Perspectives

This semester I embarked on a unique experience which is the online class. I looked at the title, TV, Minorities and Cultural Diversity, and thought that this may be an interesting topic. This class is really making me look at the world in a whole new light, and I'm not sure I like it, honestly. This may be somewhere I need to be because I am a jaded young woman. I never felt like I had to deal with racism, I never felt like people looked at me for the color of my skin rather than the person I am. People have commented on my skin, my hair, my features, but I have never felt it in a negative manner, they always just seemed a little jealous. I have always said with pride, and a little humor, "I'm actually half Irish." Because, despite my darker skin, I am more Irish than most of the white people I know... I think this is funny. Unfortunatly, I don't really know what the other half of me is... "Some kind of black," I tend to say. White people think this is hilarious, some black people actually get offended by this. "You don't know!?" they question. Then I have to get into my life story... I don't really talk to my father and even if I did, he doesn't know either.

I don't identify with black people... I don't even know what it means to be black. Most of my friends are white, the family I spend most of my time with is white. Mostly everyone in my little 22-year-old world is white. After being in this class for about a month I have become more aware of my "blackness" and I don't know how to handle this. I am black, that 50% Irish thing means nothing because I don't have the white skin to back it up. When I was about 5, this little girl I went to camp with saw my mother and asked if I was adopted. I was mortified and offended, "NO!" I told her and walked away. I still vividly remember this day, to me, I am my mother's daughter and fuck anyone who can't believe that based on my skin color. I never really saw my family in color, until I got older.

Just living life I see more and more the horror of what it really means to be black. TV, movies, media... Not much of this helps. I never understood why there were so many angry black people out there. Since I know my father, and he's not the best of people, I have always just assumed that maybe it's because you're a douche bag and that's why you can't get ahead in life... not that you're black. Maybe we, as a race, "have a right to be hostile" (to quote Public Enemy).

I don't want to deny my blackness, I want to find a way to embrace it.